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Naked Synapses [Ladyfest Texas] [Club Skirt] [My Photo Album] [My Poetry] Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Beth" journal:

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June 29th, 2004
03:33 am


What I Said in Response to the Post I Just Wrote About
I posted the following in reply to that post that bothered me so much:

With the exception of in my workplace, I live and very out and proud life. I may not go around wearing a "Transexual Menace" t-shirt (though there is one in my closet) or outing myself to strangers (I generally seem to pass pretty well, at least in straight spaces and to some queers), but all my friends know as well as most of the people I do volunteer work with (of course, the lines between those two groups is usually very small). I'm honest and open with people because I refuse to beg for respect like alms. I am a fucking human being and I will goddam well be treated like one or I will fucking lash out!

Of all the people who took part in this conversation, Ainjel is the only one who even knows me. I mean, I talked to SDX for all of about 30 seconds Saturday night to verify that that was who he was after he posted something telling people to look for him, and I don't even know who most of the rest of you people are. The only way I found out about this post was that some anonymous commenter tipped me off about it.

I have probably spent more time doing volunteer work in the past 2.5 years (since I came out) than the whole of you have done in your entire lifetimes combined. Did any of you know that? I'm a grad student and a member of two honor societies, one of which only inducted 11 people worldwide last year (including me). Betcha didn't know that one either. I'm very loyal to my friends and have been known to stay out on weeknights till 3 or 4 in the morning listening to their problems. I'm a poet who was really well known (under a previous name) in the underground scene in the mid-90's. I was one a pilot for Cinemax a few years ago. I have acted in more than 15 plays, including a charity production of The Vagina Monologues (well, some of you may know about that one because I posted announcements in Austin Community). I'm the oldest of five children from a blue collar family in rural Arkansas. I am a professional writer, and my paternal grandparents were illiterate.

But, apparently none of that, or any of the other details about my complex, and I think quite fascinating life, because to you guys all I am is a chick with a dick.

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June 28th, 2004
11:41 pm


Being Objectified by Some Local Creepazoids
<shudder> Some jackass who was at Ainjel's farewell show started some sexual thread about me:


Thanks to the anonymous tipster who tipped me off about this.

Current Mood: nauseatedbugs crawling all over my skin
Current Music: a M*A*S*H rerun

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June 27th, 2004
09:47 pm


Long Distance Relationships Suck
I was just writing Anita a little e-mail message before going to bed and started crying in the middle of it. I hate only getting to be with her during the weekends.

Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: whatever garbage the stoners upstairs are listening to

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04:18 pm


Later On Last Night (This Morning, Whenever)
After Ainjel's show, Anita and I went to Wan Fu, the real one on Oltorff, not the Wan Fu Too on Alka-Seltzer Alley. I wasn't feeling very hungry so we split a pu pu platter (that was fun - the flame in the middle was really cool - the kids at the next table were total digging it) and an order of Wanfu Beef Strips (pretty good stuff for all you cow-nivores). I was able to eat quite a bit of it, and, better yet, kept it all down!

We went home and went to bed at 10:30 (I was feeling like a senior citizen), but got back up in a few hours and hung out with feathergrrl and ryanbailey. We set up the entertainment center then made a 3:30 run to HEB for chips, sodas (for the others, cranberry juice for me), and ice cream. Anita and I got Blue Bell pistachio almond. Mmmm, my favorite. I also picked up The Rose and Young Frankenstein on DVD there.

When we got back home, we stayed up till about 6 in the morning watching a movie and having a junk food feast.

Getting the entertainment center set up made me feel a little more at home. Seeing a familiar (though not exact) stack of black cased electronics was comforting. Anita jumped in and did all the wiring and, of course, got it all right the first time (and it's a complicated system). I love having a fellow geek for a partner.

After the movie, Anita and I got out to return the truck we rented yesterday to take the washer/dryer down to her house. She has now fallen in love with the GMC Sierra and wants one to go with the Mini she wants. We finally crawled back into bed around 7 a.m. and slept until she had to leave for work this afternoon.

Even more than Monday mornings, I hate 2:00 on Sunday afternoons.

Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Sleater-Kinney: "Anonymous"

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03:44 pm


Ainjel's Farewell Soiree
I drug myself out of my sickbed last night to make it to Ainjel Emme's Farewell Soiree at Pink. It was a fun show, but a sad experience. As always, Ainjel put on a great show. She just seems to always have so much fun with it, and that really carries over to fun for the audience. After all these months of singing it goofing around before or after shows, she actually sang the KISS song "Beth" to me during the show last night. I spent most of that number blushing with my face hidden in Anita's chest. Saying goodbye at the end was hard, but I know that her moving on is going to be healthier for her than staying so, of course, I have to support that decision. It's just going to be hard to find somebody nearly as good to go hear play now. I got somebody to take a pictures of Ainjel, Anita, and me:

We also bought handmade t-shirts. They are very spiffy. Anita wore hears back to San Antonio this afternoon.

Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Tracy Chapman - "Talkin' Bout a Revolution"

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June 25th, 2004
10:43 pm


Benefit for Baby Rayya
I know we all see benefits being announced constantly, but rarely are they for anything as important as this, the life of a young child.

Friday, July 2nd from 6:30 pm to 1 am at Ruta Maya Coffeehouse (3601 S. Congress)

Music by Michele Solberg, The Bouldin Creek Ramblers, The Normans, Poetry by Abe Young, Silent Auction, Movies, Dancing and MORE!

$10 Suggested Donation - more if you can, less if you can't.

Rayya is the daughter of Melissa & Genia Metry-Bonyun. She has a heart defect that requires surgery and the parents are both self-employed with only Medicaid to cover the costs. Please come out and support this deserving family!

BTW, one of Rayya's mothers, Genia, was the emcee at the community production of the Vagina Monologues at MCC a few months ago.

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June 24th, 2004
01:11 am


More Medical Tortures
I saw the doctor yesterday morning. It took four painful sticks to get a half cc of blood out of me then he sent me off for another CT scan (which requires a fucking IV - luckily they got that one in one stick). Dr. G. seems to love those CT scans.

The doctor's theory this time was that the high level of pain I'm still experiencing might be caused by some sort of underlying colon problems. He thought these, if they existed, could also have been the original trigger for the appendicitis. This, of course, had me imagining huge incisions across my stomach because Carrie had recently described her colon surgery to me.

The whole time I was totally paranoid and freaking out at the thought of being re-admitted to Seton. I was absolutely convinced they were not going to let me go home after the CT. Especially when I realized that it had been the exact same number of days (12) that I had been out of the hospital the first time.

When I got back in the car at Dr. G.'s office to drive over to ARA, I started crying banshee wails of grief and fear. It was horrible. I was totally petrified with fear of facing all those nightmare conditions again (the IVs, the 4:30 needle sticks, the sub-pig-slop food). Just writing about it now is making me queasy.

I guess it went well because he sent me home instead of back to Seton. Dr. G. was supposed to call me at home and give me an update, further instructions, whatever, but he never did.

Anyway, I got back home about 2:00 and crashed hard. I was totally wiped out. I got back up around 4:00 to call Katy and tell her I wasn't going to group because I'd rather sleep here than there.

If I heard the message on the answering machine correctly, the doctor finally approved my vicodin refill right after I left his office this morning. Problem is it's way out in BFE West Lake and I'm not traveling very well these days. Hopefully, I'll feel like driving out there in the morning.

I think part of the problem is that if I go all the way out there I'll feel obligated to tie up some of the loose ends at the old place (like pack up the silverware and bring it over, maybe wash the dishes or some of the dirty clothes that are still there). All of which is probably overdoing it in my current state.

Tonight, I was able to finally sleep on my right side for a little while. It hurt, but not really much more than my left side or my back does right now. And, as near as I can tell, I didn't spring any leaks doing it!

I guess I should try to get back to sleep, but I know it's going to be futile.

Current Mood: blahblah

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June 22nd, 2004
04:29 pm


No Fucking Justice for Gwen!
How the fuck does a jury spend nine days deadlocked on the Gwen Arujo murder case?


What the fuck? Has there ever been a more open-and-shut case before? This can be nothing more than transphobic shitheads on the jury trying to send a message that tranny lives are not worth anymore than toilet paper.

Well, fuck them! Every bastard on that jury who voted for acquittal needs to have to spend a year in transition as penance, complete with the electrolysis for the guys.

Current Mood: angryfurious, scared, drained

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12:36 pm


It Sucks to Be Me
I'm sitting in my room sobbing from pain in my abdomen, which has not stopped hurting for a single second in the past month and a half. I can't eat. I can't sleep, though I've spent most of my time since Saturday afternoon lying in bed trying to sleep.

The thought that keeps running through my mind is that with all the day-to-day hassles of my life as a transwoman, I should have a fucking get-out-of-other-medical-horrors-free card. I have to put up with all of the GID bullshit and then in the midst of dealing with that have the appendicitis from hell at the same time? It's not fucking fair!

What did I ever do to deserve all this shit that's been heaped upon me? Why does my life have to be such a nightmare? Why can't the people in the world who deserve pain (like GWB) get some of mine?

I just wanna stop hurting. That's all I want.

Current Mood: stressedpersecuted

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June 21st, 2004
04:56 pm


Shooting Up on E (not for the squeamish)
It's been more than a month since I last had an estrogen shot. I was due the day of my last surgery, but it increases the chances of DVT so I'm supposed to avoid it two weeks before (if scheduled) and two weeks after any surgeries. Looking in the mirror today, I started to wonder if this was part of why I was only "passing" about 25% of the time when I ventured out to HEB yesterday (a nightmare trip - I totally wasn't ready for that yet). I've lost a lot of weight, and my face has gotten bonier and harder, especially without the E to help shape it properly.

Anyway, last time, I bought 20 gauge needles, which are too damn big! It felt like ramming a pencil in my hip. So I had to get out and find some 22s. At first, I tried the Eckerd’s at Oltorff and Congress. They only had 30s and 31s, insulin syringes (you know, the kind I found in my mattress at Seton).

Then, I went to the Walgreen’s on Lamar, next to the Old Alligator Grill. They had the needles I needed, but would only sell them to me if I had a valid prescription on file that necessitated them. Luckily, I did, but what a bullshit policy! In this day of rampant HIV and Hep-C and all that nasty shit that you can get from sharing needles, why the fuck is Walgreen’s making it so hard to buy clean needles? It was a bit of a culture shock for me moving from Yuppieland where they didn't ask those kinds of questions.

So, anyway, I'm sitting here back in my bedroom with a dozen shiny new needles (a six-month supply), three vials of E (about a nine-month supply), and absolutely no nerve to stick myself. I am so fucking needle-shy after the hospital that I'm sitting here writing a blog entry instead of pumping my hip full of girl juice.

I finally get up the nerve and begin the ritual:

1. Wash my hands.
2. Put an 18 gauge needle on a syringe.
3. Measure out 3/4 of a ML of air in the syringe.
4. Stick the needle into the vial of E.
5. Inject the air into the vial.
6. Withdraw 3/4 of a ML of E.
7. Remove the needle and drop it into the sharps canister.
8. Replace the needle with a 22 gauge.
9. Stake out a spot on my hip (hip, schmip, it’s my left butt cheek).
10. Swab the area with an alcohol swab.
11. Jab the needle in hard to make sure that it only takes one stick.
12. Say, "ow!"
13. Hit the plunger and shove all the sweet sweet E into my ass.
14. Pull the needle out and put a band aid over the hole.
15. Drop the syringe into the sharps canister.

Damn, I’m glad I only have to do this every two weeks.

Current Mood: nervousneedle-shy
Current Music: The Who - "Acid Queen"

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